About Me

Posted: September 24th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Cancer, Daddio, Food, Housewife Superhero, Husbandry, Mama Posse, Miss Kate, Mom, Other Mothers | 8 Comments »

I realized recently that my blog lacks an About Me section.

The problem is, my personal IT support technician/spouse is away on a business trip, so I’m unable to alter the site’s, uh, complex architecture singlehandedly. (Besides, it makes Mark feel so needed when I let him do these things for me.)

While I await his return, here’s my first take on how I might describe myself:

I’m a mother of two from Oakland, CA who hates mushrooms. My ears aren’t pierced. Well, they were once, but those holes closed up decades ago. My mother died of pancreatic cancer. Women who’ve had natural childbirth are my heroes. I’ve never seen Star Wars. I’ve been a VP, toy reviewer, CNN producer, and state park employee. My favorite holiday is July 4th. I love surprises, resist change, and can’t tolerate wimpyness. I adore old women. I’ve had migraines that have put my right eye out of commission for weeks at a time. I once ate a 24-course meal. I’ve never competed in the Olympics. I went to cooking school to become a pastry chef, then decided against it. I’ve chatted with Mick Jagger. I loved high school and was unimpressed with college. My father’s name is Ferdinand. Altogether I’ve taken 13 years of French. I’ve never had a perm. I’ve lived in Rhode Island, Ohio, Massachusetts, D.C., New York, Georgia, California, France, and England. In a life riddled with happiness, motherhood has brought me supreme contentment. Some people think I have nice hands. I once spent a raucous night out with the White House Secret Service. Sometimes I want to eat my children. I don’t know how to follow a football game. My husband spent the better part of his career at Sports Illustrated. If I were President, liking coconut-flavored rum wouldn’t be uncool. I pronounce ‘aunt’ AHHHnt and ‘apricot’ with a short ‘a.’ Cats scare me. I have a terrible memory. The greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten is that my daughter Kate looks like me. I can dish it out but I can’t take it. Math Game Day in fourth grade always gave me a stomachache. My father is afraid of heights and peach fuzz. A psychic once told me I was a famous ballerina in a past life. I skipped having a first marriage and got a brilliant trophy husband at age 37. I’ve never had braces. For a made-for-TV movie I once played a woman who choked while eating in a restaurant. Parades often make me cry with joy. If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning. The love I have for my husband and daughters can best be described as rabid. I’m an obsessive yard saler and recovering packrat. My super powers are the ability to sleep anywhere and parallel parking. I’m the youngest of four girls. I disagree with the way the word ‘segue’ is spelled. I didn’t make a million dollars before turning 30. I look dead in both yellow and light gray. I once stuck a pussy willow up my nose. Seeing a person carrying a box of hot pizza always delights me. I think people who put lines through their sevens are pretentious. If it’s not too much to ask, I’d like a high school marching band to play at my funeral. I know how to say the following things in Polish: ‘underwear,’ ‘Grandma,’ ‘ass,’ and ‘I’m going to throw up.’ I’m a wannabe Jew. If it weren’t for house cleaners, I’d get around to changing my sheets about as often as frat boys do. My best piece of financial advice is to pay for babysitting now instead of marriage counseling later. I’m an avid recycler. My greatest life’s work has been ridding myself of any trace of a Rhode Island accent. It wasn’t until my mother was gone and I had children of my own that I realized I’d inherited her brilliance for tackling tough laundry challenges. I can’t be inside on sunny days. I felt betrayed my senior year of college when the hippies cut their hair short to get jobs at investment banks. I’m not even a little bit country. My last meal would include a Del’s Lemonade.

How much room do they give you in those blog templates for the About Me section anyway?

Well, this will have to do for starters.


8 Comments on “About Me”

  1. 1 Meredith Fried said at 12:03 pm on September 25th, 2008:

    You are even funnier than I remember. This is my favorite line:

    “My best piece of financial advice is to pay for babysitting now instead of marriage counseling later.”

    Thanks for making me smile on this wonderful Thursday afternoon.

    Meredith (Cohen – from the high school that you liked!)

  2. 2 Megan said at 1:44 pm on September 25th, 2008:

    Brilliant!! I have been writing a similar blog in my head all day. Damn, you beat me to it! I think we are more alike than I ever knew. I can’t believe you’ve never seen Star Wars – it is one of my favorite movies. Mick is a nice guy. I, however, want to squeeze my children like a snake.

  3. 3 Mary said at 8:47 pm on September 25th, 2008:

    Freaking UH-MAZING. I don’t know where to start.

    Hold on- looking for my favorite line.

  4. 4 mary mchenry said at 8:50 pm on September 25th, 2008:

    Oh yeah- I also say AUNT like you, and think that is great that you liked highschool more than college.

    And loved the happiness from pizza box.

    See you tomorrow.

  5. 5 Mark said at 9:02 pm on September 25th, 2008:

    This post is funny and wonderful enough that I don’t even mind being called a trophy husband!

  6. 6 Shelley said at 11:46 am on September 26th, 2008:

    Love this! Only problem about Kristen’s Blog: “Damn! Wish I would of thought of that!”

  7. 7 Julie said at 2:18 pm on October 1st, 2008:

    I love you. That is all.

  8. 8 kristen said at 7:32 pm on October 1st, 2008:

    awwww, julie. i really like you a lot too.

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