Drinking Games for Mothers

Posted: November 17th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Drink, Husbandry, Miss Kate, Paigey Waigey Wiggle Pop | 3 Comments »

Little Miss Happy Pants Paigey serenely endured a temperature all weekend, maintaining her nearly impenetrable good nature. Then today all hell broke loose and she’s a clingy don’t-you-dare-set-me-down blubbering mess. Poor sweet thing.

And of course I can’t help but marvel at how adorable she looks when she’s bawling. Thankfully she doesn’t wail like this often so she’s not at risk for years of therapy to undo the trauma of having a mother who clucks delightedly and says, “Aw. How cute are you?” when what she’s desperately trying to do is communicate how utterly miserable she is.

Yes, I know. I’m that mother.

So I took her to the pediatrician this morning. And lest you think I let raging fevers go unchecked I called their office Friday and they said if she’s eating and sleeping and chipper, just keep watching her for any change.

After his examination, our friend-doc Dan leaned back, crossed his arms in that all-knowing doctorly way and declared that yes, good thing I brought her in, she does indeed have an ear infection in her left ear.

Now, far be it from me to be the mother who balks when her kid gets caught smoking pot in the alley by the high school, “Not MY Obedi! He’d NEVER do that!” But the fact is, Kate has never had an ear infection, and up until today nor had Paige. I mean, it’s not what my kids do. (Read: It’s something that plagues all those other common folks’ children.)

I mean, barring that there was some kind of shouldn’t-even-joke-about-it mix-up at the hospital, I guess it turns out that ear infections actually are something my kids–or at least one of them–do do. And I realized that I had to remove one small maternal point of pride from my unaware-I-was-even-keeping-track mental checklist. (My mother had much more outspoken bravado about these things. “My children go outside and play in all kinds of weather!” “My children never catch colds.” “My children all have excellent teeth.”)

Anyway, it got me thinking about what a game of I Never would be like today, played amongst a group of hardcore manic Mamas.

Here are a few things I wouldn’t have to drink to:

  • I never took my kids’ temperature with an anal thermometer.
  • I never gave my kids formula.
  • I never dressed my children in a My-First-[Insert Holiday Here] outfit.
  • I never had my kids in the room while I was watching TV.
  • Post-infancy, I never had my child sleep in bed with me.
  • I never tasted any of the bottled baby food I’ve fed my babies.
  • I never saw the placentas from my pregnancies.
  • I never put my kids’ names on our answering machine message after they were born.
  • I’ve never had my baby cry into our answering machine, nor did I have my child leave the outgoing message when she was old enough to speak.
  • I never got any of my offspring to take a bottle.
  • I never thought I’d be the kind of parent who makes every effort to be home in time for naps to take place in the crib/bed. (But I am.)
  • I never had any embarrassing leaky boob-milk incidents.
  • I never obsessed over my kids’ poop.
  • I never put one of those headband things that have a bow on them on my baby daughters.
  • I never had the natural childbirths I hoped for.
  • I never worried about safety issues with crib bumpers. (They’re too damn cute to pass up.)
  • I never let the fact that they could lose their shit–literally and figuratively–prevent me from taking my babies out in public.
  • I never understood how parents could go for years without spending a night away from their kids.
  • I never spent a night with my husband away from our oldest child in her first two years of life.
  • I never dressed my daughters in clothing that matched mine.
  • I never tasted my own breast milk.
  • I never made my husband drive like a chauffeur and sat in the back next to my baby’s car seat. (I never did that with my second child, that is.)

Did you have to drink for any of those? (Or to just get through the endless list?)

Until recently, aside from the ear infection, there was one other mini maternal point of pride that was on my list: I never encountered a floater while giving my kid a bath.

Unfortunately–and disgustingly–a couple months ago as Mark was bathing Kate one evening I heard him say to her, “Kate, is that—? Oh, God. Okay honey, let’s get you out of there.” And a minute later as I heard the toilet flush and the water gurgling down the drain he called out to me, “Can you please bring me some bleach?”

As I cracked the door to toss the cleaner in and make a hasty you’re-on-your-own-dude exit, Kate craned her neck towards me and yelled out proudly, “I pooped in the bath, Mama!”


Since I did my best to sidestep the whole gnarly scene, maybe I wouldn’t have to drink for that one after all.

What is it that you have never done as a parent?


3 Comments on “Drinking Games for Mothers”

  1. 1 Chompy said at 10:31 am on November 18th, 2008:

    I never want to pump in a bathroom stall again, especially a Southwest airplane bathroom stall with someone pounding on the door.

    I never appreciated my mom more

    I will never forget how much I lived for mom’s group those first 6 months.

    I never pass up a chance to dance with my son, no matter how tired or distracted I may be

    I never regret taking extra time to be with my husband

    I never can figure out what to do with all that pre-school art

  2. 2 Drea said at 6:00 pm on November 18th, 2008:

    My proudest accomplishment is that in nearly 14 years of motherhood, I’ve never driven a minivan. (No offense to thems that drive ‘em!) When I speak to my cool still-single friends in Hell-Ay, I offer that up first as my claim to having one last shred of dignity.

  3. 3 kristen said at 7:55 pm on November 18th, 2008:

    with 4 kids, that *is* an accomplishment! besides, that red double-decker bus you drive has so much more european cachet.

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