Miami Heat

Posted: May 9th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Blogging, Discoveries, Friends and Strangers, Housewife Fashion Tips, Other Mothers, Travel | 8 Comments »

Don’t tell Oakland, but I’ve been cheating on it. With Miami.

And it was a hot, steamy affair.

I was there for the Mom 2.0 Summit, a gathering of mom bloggers, media mavens, and marketers. And mark my words, this was no tragic conference like in that movie Cedar Rapids. No, I went to white parties poolside, a throw-down at the Versace mansion, and spent three gloriously muggy days shashaying around the Key Biscayne Ritz.

If you’ve never stayed at a Ritz Carlton, I assure you it’s got Howard Johnsons beat.

I also stayed at my friend’s parents’ crazy-sick digs for a night. Their backyard is a manicured jungle paradise. An orchid thief’s wet dream. They’ve got a lagoony swimming pool, a waterfall, a dense thatch of palm trees, and the perfect number of tropical flowers so as not to be tacky.

I half-expected Christopher Atkins to swim out from the faux rock formation in an ultra-suede man-thong and crack open a coconut for my drinking pleasure.

Hey, a gal can dream.

There was even gunfire and explosions in the near distance. I thought my hosts just wanted me to feel at home, but it turns out the show Burn Notice was filming in their swank ‘hood. I took the dog for a walk to suss out the scene, but sadly wasn’t discovered by any talent scouts.

But lest you think all this indulgence was for naught, I actually learned something on this trip too.

Like, did you know it smells like poo in the bathroom of the Versace mansion? Yuh-huh it does. I mean, prolly not all the time, but it certainly did when I was in it. They also have a bidet in there, in case you want to hose down the ole undercarriage. So thoughtful.

From chatting with others at the conference I realized I’m missing a child. These days everyone seems to have three. Apparently three kids is the new chai latte. Some overachievers even have SIX. And they’re still stylish, not Basset-Hound droopy with exhaustion, or rocking on the floor of a closet clutching a bottle of bourbon. Go figure. Good for them.

I learned this scary stat: 60% of girls don’t engage in daily activities because they don’t like how they look. SIXTY percent. Terrifying, no? Dove soap is doing extremely cool work about girls and self-esteem that you should check out. And they didn’t even pay me to say that. Hell, I use Ivory for God’s sake.

Another thing I found out—one of the most hilarious bloggers battles crippling depression. Sometimes she can’t even get out of bed for a week at a time. Totally intense hearing the Goddess of Funny talk so candidly about that.

If you enlist a few hundred mamas to break a Twitter record set by Justin Beiber, they will fail. And their friends will all wonder what the bejesus got into them that they were tweeting “I admire you” to everyone they knew for an hour. (The sangria helped.)

Brene Brown is as likeable, warm, and wise in person as she was in her Ted talk. (Okay so I actually haven’t seen her Ted talk yet, but plan too really soon.) Her Mom 2.0 keynote on “The Power to Fail” was dazzling. And, at long last, it justified my Calculus grade in high school.

Didja know every Ritz has a dramatic open staircase? They think women should always be able to make a grand entrance. My friend Meg who usedta work there told me this. It’s good of them to look out for us gals that way. I’ll be sure to pack a ball gown and tiara for my next Ritz vacation.

I found out that maternity fashion diva Liz Lange responds to all her customer service questions HERSELF. And she looks fabulous in turquoise.

And then, get this—at the Ritz there’s a guy who walks around with a wooden xylophone playing a ding-dang-dong tune when a session’s about to start. FOR REAL this is what he does. It’s like when the lights at the library flash when it’s about to close, but it’s a grown man in a uniform ding-dang-donging. I didn’t request any wake-up calls while I was there, but I wouldn’t be surprised if instead of your phone ringing that dude comes into your room and leans over your bed to xylophone you awake.

I’d love to share more about my trip to Miami, but I’m too busy strapping on my stiletto sandals and wiggling into my bikini top for this afternoon’s school pick-up.

See how much I’ve learned?

That hippie preschool in Berkeley has no idea what’s coming.


8 Comments on “Miami Heat”

  1. 1 Tracy in Suburbia said at 3:32 am on May 10th, 2012:

    Ahem, ahem…. You forgot to mention how thrilled you were to hang out with all your fabulous blogger peeps. I’m sure that paled in comparison with visiting the smelly Versace bathroom, but i know it was thrilling for the rest of us to be able to say we had you in our presence. Maybe next time you’ll even let me feel your jellyfish boobies!

  2. 2 Alexandra said at 4:34 am on May 10th, 2012:


    I have to say it more more time:


  3. 3 kristen said at 6:11 am on May 10th, 2012:

    Alexandra, but we had DAYTON. And the Marriot.

    Tracy: Oh RIGHT. And the excellent company! Who were so fun and witty and smart and all. I mean, I didn’t want to gush over the weekend too much. Then every two-bit blogger (like myself) will start going to this conference and I’ll be walking around like it’s Burning Man talking about the good old days when it was much smaller and cooler.

  4. 4 Stacey said at 8:14 am on May 10th, 2012:

    Jellyfish boobies? What happens in Miami MUST stay in Miami. Please. We beg of you! I’m so glad to know that my bathroom smells better than then Versace mansion. One up on those suckahs!

  5. 5 Kristen said at 11:03 am on May 10th, 2012:

    I learn so much reading your blogs, missy. Thanks again for the head’s up that I can revive my Manhattan “all black clothes and high heels” wardrobe for the Berkeley preschool pickup this afternoon. I am so taking a shower before that event!

  6. 6 Mary Patrick said at 2:55 pm on May 10th, 2012:

    You are a funny funny lady. I am now an official fan. Wash the undercarriage indeed…

  7. 7 kristen said at 11:37 pm on May 10th, 2012:

    Stacey, you’re just bitter because we didn’t go to a party in Versace’s Dayton mansion. At least, I’m pretty sure he had a place there…

  8. 8 Mary said at 7:34 am on May 11th, 2012:

    the ‘undercarriage” and “chai latte” killed me!

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